What to say? What to do? How to provide support.
Having friends who care is so important!
The other day, I ran into Ginny, one of my public relations colleagues, at Starbucks. Ginny asked about my book, and the woman she was with mentioned she had a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. She asked my opinion on how to help her and what to say.
That’s a question I’ve heard many times before. Being far from an expert, I always struggle with a “one-size-fits-all” answer. Luckily my friend and fellow survivor Nevine was there with me to offer her insight.
The reason it’s difficult to answer this question is because everyone is different. I know for me, the best thing my friends and relatives can do is offer encouragement. The worst thing? Offer pity.
When I shared the news of my recurrence, my friend Jill, who worked with me the first time I was diagnosed, sent me a beautiful message on Facebook. She told me I was strong and knew I was going to beat this just like I did last time. That meant the world to me.
I also remember the dreadful conversation with another individual when I first found out about my recurrence. I was at work and telling her I was taking a leave of absence. She responded, “Well I guess you want to enjoy the time you have left.” Gasp!
OK, now what can you do to help a friend who is facing cancer treatment? Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer to do something! Send a card, purchase a gift, bring a meal. I think most people are like me and my husband, we feel uncomfortable asking for help.
Or if you can’t think of anything, ask them specifically what they need. When people asked me, the first thing I thought of was babysitting. My daughter was three when I was first diagnosed, so I kept a running list of everyone who said they would do this for us. When I suddenly was admitted to the hospital, I was able to call someone from the list to pick up my daughter from pre-school.
I had the opportunity to practice this yesterday when I visited a fellow survivor in the hospital. She just had a double mastectomy and I asked specificially what she needed – meals, housecleaning, etc. I also asked before I visited -very important!. Sometimes people feel too sick to have visitors, so make sure it’s OK with them.
And remember to stay in there for the long run. Cancer is a lengthy challenge, and support is needed way past the first couple of weeks after a person is diagnosed.
That’s my view of it. Does anyone else have suggestions or experiences to share?
Jackie Danicki says:
When my late friend Cathy Seipp was very sick with her last recurrence, she was very blunt about the fact that she needed helpers, not visitors. I loved that she was so honest. Visitors expect to be entertained, waited on, fed. Helpers offer to do anything they can – refill hot water bottles, make calorie-laden milkshakes (Cathy desperately needed to gain weight), run to the store for supplies, take the dog for a walk…everyone can do *something*.
Another thing Cathy said was tiring was people showing up with flowers. She looked better than she felt, and people would make a beeline to where she was reclining with a bouquet of flowers. She was in no shape to jump up, find a vase, cut the stems, put them in water, etc. Don’t make work for people who are ill and physically weak.
When Cathy was a few weeks away from death, I spent a week with her – cooking, baking, talking with her, washing her hair, helping her with medical needs, keeping the aforementioned visitors away, recruiting helpers. I didn’t know exactly what I’d be doing when I planned the trip, but she very clearly expressed her needs. I’ll always be so grateful she did, because I never had to wonder what to do or how to help.
tamilb says:
Very helpful information, Jackie. How wonderful that your friend was able to ask for what she needed and that you were there to provide it.
tamilb says:
This comment came from Christina via Facebook:
“Thank you so much for sharing this Tami this helps
me to reinforce what I already knew was the right thing to do with my Dad keep encouraging him.”
Karen says:
Tami you are so right about asking direct questions about what you can do. One thing that came up for me while going through treatment was the lack of food in our pantry. At first I was embarassed to ask for groceries. I began asking for fruit and veggies the colors of the rainbow, or if friends could bring prepared meals that could be frozen to pull out and warm up when I was on my own during the day. I also asked to borrow their DVD library. The list is endless on what can be done . I guess the most important thing to remember is if the person going through cancer says they don’t need any thing right now. Take their word for it and dont push. It is ok to ask again in a week or so though to see if they have changed their mind.
Debby says:
I honestly look forward to your blogs each day. I wonder what the topic is going to be and what you will say about it. From my perspective you are “spot on”. I want to share you with everyone I know dealing with this d- – - disease. Girl, you do cancer well!!