Living with cancer
Warning: waiting for scan results can cause extreme anxiety, depression and fatigue. Please consult your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms.
I spent a good part of yesterday in hell. It was my choosing. On Monday, I had my PET scan redone because last month it showed a slight progression. It was so small, they thought it could have been a variance in the way it was read.
It only takes a day to get results back, but I waited all day Tuesday and all day yesterday. No call. I tried to distract myself with proofing the final layout of my book. But my mind went to the worst possible scenario: “It’s so bad, he doesn’t want to call me. It’s all over my body … ” You get the point. By the end of the day, I just got mad. Do these doctors realize how painful it is to wait?
Finally, I received the call this morning. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t the awful news I anticipated. My scan showed a very slight progression in cancer activity. The size of the spots remained the same. So I’m going to switch from one hormonal therapy, Arimidex, to Aromasin. I am grateful that I have a less invasive option open to me than chemo and am looking forward to my busy, fun summer.
Part of my fear stemmed from the fact that a dear friend of mine, who was in remission and doing so well, just found out her cancer is back with a vengance. She was in so much pain, they put her on Vicodin. It really pulled the rug out from under me. I’ve been crying for her; scared for myself.
We have so much in common that I automatically thought my situation is or would soon be like hers. But then I was reminded that everyone’s body and situation is different. It doesn’t erase the pain I feel for her, but it helped my fear. Plus I have an inner knowing that my friend’s spirit is strong, and she is going to get through this.
As I was once again reviewing From Incurable to Incredible, I was struck by something Ann Fonfa, founder of the Annie Appleseed Project, related about how people would call her and say, “I’m dying of cancer.” Her response: “Wait, let’s have an attitude adjustment. You’re living with cancer. Get that dying stuff out of your mind.”
I think that’s a good way to look at things, and a way to cope when scans and changes in treatment arise. Would I rather not be living with cancer? You bet! I truly believe someday I will live without cancer. But in the meantime, if I just look at it as something I’m dealing with like diabetes, it helps take away the fear. After all, I would rather be focused on the joy of living–and I have plenty of that.
kelly reichart says:
Tami, you are amazing. Your insight is spot on. Living without fear is so difficult and there will be days when you succeed and days when you don’t. I think you have done an incredible job with this. Keep the faith and stay strong:)
Jackie D says:
Tami, I have to tell you that I often forget completely that you have this in your physical body. Your attitude is so great, and you are living life so fully, that it seems hard to believe you are afflicted.
On the elevator up to my office today, a thought struck me: Life is so much easier when I remain open to the purpose my Higher Power has for me here. When my own will gets in the way, things get hard and sad and angering and frustrating and exhausting. None of this is original thought, I know you’ve heard it all before. But it struck me anew at the exact right time.
It seems to me that you do a stellar job of remaining open to “the HP thing” on a day-to-day basis. I’m going to try to emulate you more comprehensively.
Brenda says:
Tami …. So glad that it was only your imagination that “went wild” ….. And you know that I LOVE your reference to “Living with Cancer” since that is the lead line on my blog! haha
There is nothing more important than living our lives, and it certainly would be different without the diagnosis we’ve received. But perhaps we not only “live” with cancer, but have an opportunity to “live better” with cancer since we are forced to face our mortality much sooner than most.
All the best to your friend.
tamilb says:
Thanks for all the lovely comments. They made my day!
sam elliston says:
Tami
I am so glad that you have an alternative therapy and you have all the wise people who support you. Letting go of worry, fear and control is the most difficult thing I have ever done and I have to do it on a daily basis- sometimes hourly.
I love your attitude.
Sam