The “what ifs”…cancer as a turning point
Questioning cancer: what if cancer is a teacher and not the enemy?
It’s common to have a case of the “what ifs” when you’ve had a cancer diagnosis, especially advanced cancer. Like yesterday when I was pulling out a storage bin from a closet, I asked myself, “What if this pain in my side means the cancer has spread to my rib?”
It’s excruciating, and I’m not talking about the physical pain. It’s the mental torture I could put myself through if I dwell on the “what if” thought. Luckily I was able to balance it with, “What if it means you are getting old and you strained a muscle?”
But this morning I had a different kind of “what if” experience. I was having a marvelous chat with my 11-year-old daughter as she was getting dressed and marveling how she is looking more and more grown up.
She was talking about how she would like to live until she is 101 so you can see the year 2100. Then her imagination and humor took off and she started talking about how her back-in-my-day stories would be something like this: “In my day, we didn’t have flying cars, we had to drive on the road!”
Then a thought came to my mind: What if I never had cancer? Would I be sitting here fully present with my daughter, marveling at her maturity and exuberance? Would I be grateful just to be alive and experiencing this moment?
Probably not. I would be rushing to get ready to go to work, distracted with thoughts about my day ahead, and feeling extremely stressed. Without the kick in the butt that cancer gave me, I would have never left my job. I certainly never would have considered starting a blog, much less writing a book. And you’d never find me shopping the organic and health section of the supermarket. Right now I’d be sitting at my desk, with a can of Diet Coke and some sugary breakfast bar out of the vending machine, totally oblivious to the blessings around me.
Sometimes I’ll look at pictures of the old me BC (before cancer) and wistfully marvel at how carefree and oblivious I was to any impending health crisis. But really if I look a little closer, I’ll no longer wish those days back…because I’m a lot happier now.
I can look at this cancer as a guest that taught me a valuable lesson. OK, I think it has outstayed its welcome; but when it leaves, I can remember that it wasn’t all bad.
The “what ifs” of cancer | Pink Ribbon Girls says:
[...] my view of parenting, work, nutrition and the rest of my life in today’s post on my blog. http://www.tamiboehmer.com/2010/06/the-what-ifs-cancer-as-a-turning-point/ SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "The “what ifs” of cancer", url: [...]
Brenda says:
Gosh, Tami, I sure can relate to this post. I had the same thought yesterday when I moved the wrong way and felt a sharp catch in my side. And, like you, I managed to think the worst first! Yup, what-if`s ……
sam elliston says:
Interesting perspective and certainly Byron Katie’s “Work” invites us to examine all thoughts with love, like “what if this ache means the cancer has spread and that would be bad?” to see if it’s really true and find out, as you have already, that having cancer may be scary but is also (for you) a blessing.
Ann says:
Love your approach to the what if’s.It’s ok to check
out the what ifs ,but as you learned it doesn’t have to
be a life time committment. I also like to use the
what ifs to put my life back in perspective.
love,hugs, and prayers
Angie says:
Absolutely beautiful story and the way you presented it brough me to tears
Miracle Survivors / Cancer Thrivers Nickels-n-Dimes Nickels-n-Dimes says:
[...] THIS POST is one that I read today and could not help but to share with you. You don’t have to be living with cancer (or any disease) to appreciate. It’s one that really puts the small things in life that we take for granted (as she too did in the past) and shows us what HUGE blessing lie within each experience. [...]
Lisa says:
I agree, Tami. I can tell you right now that I have a much lower threshold for whining and fussing over little things…and a lot more appreciation for precious things. Thank you for posting this.
Marie Ennis-O'Connor says:
Dear Tami, thank you so much for reposting this via my Repost Yourself! link – what a marvellous post. It gave me pause for thought today as I read your words. I also love your gentle and compassionate way of presening this reflection. Beautiful. May you continue to prosper in good health and happiness on your journey x