The cancer fellowship: we’re on this crazy ride together
We are all here for each other.
It’s a weird dichotomy, the highs and lows of this whole crazy ride as someone living with cancer. I feel on top of the world, and then a dose of reality hits me.
This week two young and well-followed breast cancer bloggers passed away: Rachel Moro from the Cancer Culture Chronicles and Susan Niebur from Toddler Planet. I occassionally followed Rachel’s blog and didn’t find Susan’s until she passed, but there they were, just like me, writing about their lives with cancer. Just last month, Rachel was contemplating going to her 25th high school reunion. And now they’re gone – a reminder of the darker side of this journey. I read their last blog posts with heartbreak, wondering how this cruel disease can take away so many young people, many with young children.
It happened again when I was going through my list of Facebook friends to invite to my St. Patty’s Day book signing. On the list are almost a dozen people who are no longer with us; many of them were very close to me. I have a friend right now who is literally struggling to stay alive. I often say it feels like a battleground, and I literally feel numbed by the level of loss.
So how do I reconcile that I’m bursting with excitement about my life and opportunities coming my way? I’m living my dream, doing what I love, connecting with people around the world and traveling to neat places. I’m not rich, but my life is. I love my husband and daughter. I have wonderful friends. I finally seem to be purging old issues that use to hold me down. There are so many things coming up with my book (look at my events page, and you’ll get an idea.) But like any good story, it needs conflict, so I have this issue of cancer hanging in the background.
I heard a funny thing from a friend on Facebook. She was presenting to a group of middle school kids and received a note afterward from one of them. “I want to be just like you … except for the cancer part.” I laughed because it’s so true and honest! Nobody wants something like cancer in their lives, but, wow, has my life changed because of it!
I remember speaking with someone living with metastatic breast cancer who advised me not to hang out with other cancer survivors. She instead recommending being with “normal people.” I chuckle now, wondering, “Who are those “normal people?” I think she really missed out on the amazing fellowship only a fellow cancer survivor can provide. Sure, by isolating from other cancer survivors, I could maybe avoid the pain of loss and fear that goes with having a friend pass away. But my life would not be as rich.
I do know these losses make me more motivated than ever to help others on this journey in my own small way. We are indeed a band of brothers and sisters, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Beth says:
Thank you Tami, your blog, as ever, is an inspiration not only to live to the best of our abilities, but more so.
Yesterday the questions of two separate friends helped me understand myself just a little better.
The first asked. ‘Do you wish you didn’t know you had this?’ to which my answer was, ‘No.’ I wish I hadn’t got it, but I wouldn’t want not to know. In the past what I didn’t know I didn’t have to deal with. Now it’s all different.
The second inquired, ‘Have you thought about your bucket list?’ I replied ‘Living is my Bucket List.’ So it is with all of us.
Sam Elliston says:
Tami,
Your writing is always so eloquent and this artcile is no exception. Ithink in order to be “normal” one has to have the ying and the yang and if it’s cancer or diabetes or alcoholism, one gets strength from others who are involved with the same opportunity. I lvoe the bucket list being living – that works for me.
thanks, Sam
tamilb says:
Thanks Beth and Sam for your kind comments. I so appreciate the time you take to follow my blog and comment.
Peg says:
Your sincinctness and directness are refreshing as well as expected, Tami. This offering hit home. I lost 3 friends/family members to cancer in 12 days. Ovarian, Esophegial, Brain. All were under the age of 60 and all left spiuses and children.
I speak all too frequently with cancer survivors. All of them say that it is a club they never applied for but once in, they would not leave. The best advice I can give is to speak with other surviviors. From my experience, cancer survivors will do as much as they can for the newly diagnosed. Once in our club, other members are willing and able to help. Your blog is a light in the tunnel for all who fight this disease. Thank you for all you do.
PS Love the bucket list being “living”, for one who rails against such things, I find it oh so “spot on”. (I am watching Dowton Abbey as I write this!, thus the English mannerisms……)
I applaud your courage and “continue on” attitude.
Jan Baird Hasak says:
Tami, And just who would those “normal people” be? I can’t believe someone told you that. There’s very little that shocks me anymore, but sometimes I get a jolt. Thanks for your great post. XOXO, Jan
tamilb says:
Unfortunately this friend passed away without ever getting to experience the wonderful connections of the cancer community. I think she was just afraid.
tamilb says:
Hi Peg,
So sorry you have lost so many people in your life! It really stinks and makes me mad sometimes all the wonderful people lost to this disease. But like you, I wouldn’t change the connections I’ve made for the world. Thanks for connecting with me and my readers!
slbarto says:
I have to admit – as someone who hasn’t had cancer but was accepted into the “club” as a previvor…it is a club that has certainly changed my life in ways I never would have imagined…and I would NEVER change being a member…but there are times where there are no words to express the sadness as we lose our dear beautiful friends…and I can only imagine this woman was trying to protect herself from these losses…I am forever changed by the profound losses I’ve felt…
Carina says:
I thought of that before, to separate myself from other cancer patients. But when I joined this young women’s cancer group, their presence made me feel so good. I learned so much from them in 2-hour’s time and we understood each other.
tamilb says:
Thanks for your comment Carina. My support group for young cancer survivors, Pink Ribbon Girls, has been invaluable to me.