Having the talk
- Festive lights from our Christmakah tree
I hope you all had a great holiday! In our house, we celebrate “Christmakah,” and it’s always a wonderous time. When I was growing up, my family didn’t do much for Hanukkah … or any other holiday for that matter. I didn’t have any Jewish friends as they were few and far between in our neighborhood, so Christmas was kind of a bummer for me. I always loved the lights of Christmas, though, and as soon as I ventured out on my own, I purchased my very own “Hanukkah bush” and hosted really fun Hanukkah parties for my friends as a nod to my heritage.
Today I’m married to a goy (non-Jew for you goys out there!:)) and our family attends a spiritual center (Unity) where all religions are embraced. And we celebrate both holidays in a tradition we call Christmakah with our daughter Chrissy. I vowed I would make the holidays special for her, and perhaps I go a little overboard. She gets a present every night for the eight nights of Hanukkah and a bunch of them under our tree on Christmas morning.
This Christmakah, I’ve been feeling especially grateful for feeling healthy and being able to share all the joy the season brings with our tight little nuclear family. In February, it will be five years since I was told cancer had returned and it was stage IV. Ever since that day, and especially in the last year, I have struggled trying to determine when and if I should breach the topic of the “D” word with Chrissy. For a long time, I couldn’t think of it without crying hysterically. It is an unimaginable conversation, and one I didn’t want to touch. Besides, I plan on being around for a while; thank you very much!
But lately I’ve been able to approach the topic more level-headedly. Mike and I have talked about it, and he told me he has already had conversations with Chrissy. I talked with Flo, my cancer coach, last week, and she suggested I open up the conversation with open-ended questions and wait for the timing to be right. I made it my priority to talk with Chrissy over the holiday break when we’d have more time together.
It ended up that the perfect timing was last night on Christmas day. Chrissy came downstairs to tell us that one of her online friends’ father died suddenly. Later we were watching a show about Steve Jobs and they were talking about his views on death. That got our discussion going. And it was a good one. I won’t go into detail to honor the sacredness of the conversation. Let’s just say there was some crying, hugging and expressions of gratitude. I will tell you I assured her I will never give up and plan on being around for a while to experience her milestones.
I felt relieved to finally get the conversation out to the way. We finally addressed the elephant in the room. But afterward as I sat staring at our Christmakah tree, some feelings came up for me. It seems so surreal and unfair to me that a 13-year-old girl has to worry about such things. And as a mother who wants nothing more than to protect her child, it made me sad and angry.
Later I went back up to her room and she was happily on her computer. She assured me she was OK. I underestimated her resilliance and inner wisdom she has at such a young age. God has carried us so far, and I believe that will continue. I’ve been feeling incredibly grateful for feeling so well and being here for and with my amazing little family. It was my greatest gift this holiday season and one I will treasure for years to come.
In the spirit of making each day count, we made reservations for a trip to Puerto Rico to celebrate my 50th birthday this spring. We are all looking forward to exploring the beaches, rainforests and culture of the island. It was a splurge for us, but experiences have always been more valuable to us than things. Adios amigos! Until next time.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 26th, 2012 at 12:39 PM and is filed under Being proactive, Emotions, Faith, Fear of death, Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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heather salazar says:
I am honored and blessed to know you Patti. Just gave your book to Miami Valley’s new cancer center Hope…they will be purchasing more. Love you!
heather salazar says:
haha you know I meant tami!!! Thinking of both you and Pattie!!
Dee says:
Thank you for sharing this post with all your followers and supporters. I understand how difficult it must be for you. You have shown great strength repeatedly – especially these past few month.
Debba says:
Tami – Thanks for sharing your beautiful holiday and family conversation. I know Chrissy is happy knowing that you are her mom and seeing how you inspire so many others who deal with cancer. Just like for her, it’s a blessing to have you in our lives too! Hugs & Happy Christmakah! Debba
Lisa Quintana says:
This is cruelest part for me…my daughter doesn’t remember a time when the specter of death didn’t hover over me. Living the life and trials of a stage IV metavivor…or whatever you want to call us is hard enough…but when you have a child who walks the path with you….it just is sooo much more hard to bear.
Meg has been doing this for 15 years and I have to say it does give her a different (and better) perspective on life….but I think it is really awful that our children have to go through this.
If knowing that you’re not along helps…you aren’t. I’m right there too. Hugs to all three of you from we three here.
Maria Hoeffer says:
Beautiful post, Tami! What a gift you are to your family, especially Chrissy, and the world!
Darlene says:
Like Lisa, I too share in this. My son does not remember a mom without cancer; he was 5 when I was diagnosed n is now 12. I was on hospice earlier this year n that was HARD for him n hubby. I applaud you Tami for being so strong n know I have been there too n continue to relish in each day n moment. In light n love, Darlene
Rachel Pappas says:
You are one strong woman, Tami. Some people just won’t talk about it, period. They c all themselves positive. That doesn’t make them positive. What makes someone positive – and strong – is carrying on, living life to the fullest, even though they face all of the truth – that maybe there will be a cure, but right now we don’t have it and what that could mean. And then being able to keep on smiling, loving, enjoying the love given back they so deserve. xxoo Rachel
tamilb says:
Thanks all of you. I am blessed to have you as part of my community and know that I am not alone. Your support means the world to me!
Jackie says:
You are an amazing role model of a mother, Tami. Your child will grow into a woman who will epitomize the compassionate and wise spirit in which you are raising her. Enjoy your 50th birthday. And yes, adventures are more meaningful than things. Enjoy the new year!
Jackie
Beth says:
There is nothing more important than to give our children the best of us. The best is not only our love but also our truth.
Tami, you are our example and a true friend to us all. Thanks to you, none of us walk alone. Together all march into a new uncharted year, tall, mighty and no matter what it throws at us, a force to be reckoned with!
Sam Elliston says:
Thank-you for reminding me that conversations are sacred and important, as important as the activities that we do with others.
I learn much from you and appreciate that you maintain this blog
love Sam
Debby says:
Go. Splurge. Have the trip of a lifetime. The best way to cheat death is to suck the marrow out of life!!!!!