Pain, pain, go away …
Fear only has the power you give it.
It amazes me how pain takes on a new significance since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, especially since it’s metastatic cancer. I just don’t trust my body anymore. And it sucks.
Tuesday afternoon I started noticing pain and tenderness in my abdominal area. I know by my scans I have lesions on my omentum. So what do you think the first thing I think? What frustrates me is how getting a pain can rock my world and turn it upside down. I do Google searches and try to self-diagnose the problem. It makes me more afraid. I know worrying does no good. I know stress is bad. The more I stoke fear, the more it grows.
There are lots of acronyms for FEAR — F*&^# Everything and Run, False Evidence Appearing Real … I’ve also heard the saying, Fear is the opposite of faith.
So it’s back to faith. I can stay in this hell or I can let go and let God. There is peace in that — when I can ask God for help and have faith it will come. Perhaps this treatment isn’t working. I called my oncologist; they will run tests if it continues. I can have faith there are other options that will work. I can find comfort in knowing that solutions/treatments have come along the way in the past when I needed them most. I can talk myself down from this place. I can go there, but I don’t have to stay there.
Perhaps it takes pain to peel back to our inner core. It takes off the layers of bravado and exposes our vulnerability. It forces us to ask for help from a power greater than ourselves, and yes from others, too.
At our spiritual center, we do a practice every year in which we write a letter to ourselves about our intentions for the coming year. We just received our letters today from this time last year. One of my intentions was to have a breakthrough that would bring my book to national prominence. Well that happened when a twist of fate connected me with a literary agent who is going to sell it to a publisher. I believe God brought me that opportunity, and trust that God will bring me another opportunity to achieve another intention: to be free of cancer. If it doesn’t happen in 2012, there’s always 2013. I’m not giving up, and I know God is not giving up on me.
I wish you all the brightest blessings of the holiday and pray that all your dreams and intentions come true.
Beth Gainer says:
Tami,
You are incredibly brave, and I admire your ability — although it’s difficult — to try to quell the mind’s fears. Worry and anxiety doesn’t really help a person. Thank you for this.
Heidi Bright Parales MDiv says:
Hey Tami,
Vince at Whatever Works Wellness Center developed a Serenity Box that sends sound vibrations thru the body to ease pain and increase the effectiveness of chemo. Perhaps it might interest you. They have 20% off coupons this month. Praying for you,
Heidi
Cathy Scibelli says:
I can totally relate to your feelings Tami, I’ve been fighting the same types of fears since I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in the bones. It is amazing how a simple ache or pain that you would never have paid much attention to in the past can take on such significance and play mind games with you. My way of dealing with it is to keep a scrapbook filled with stories from other women who have been living with mets for years and have gone through numerous scares and treatments and are still here accomplishing much and living fulfilling lives. I say a prayer that includes asking for a cure and then I try my darndest to put it out of my mind and concentrate on some fun writing or research. And it’s also helps to read blogs such as yours to know others understand exactly what this is like!
tamilb says:
Thanks Cathy, Heidi and Beth for your comments! Yes, Cathy it really helps me to just think about all the people in my book and those I’ve featured on my blog … and all the other amazing survivors I’ve gotten to know over the years who are beating/living with cancer with grace and grit.
Rachel Pappas says:
Keep the faith Tami – oh I don’t have to tell you that – you’re doing it.
And congratulations on the book development.
Enjoy your weekend, and all the best to you going into the new year.
Rachel